A Story of Transition, A Mother's Grief

I want to talk about what is sometimes considered a taboo subject (and feeling) when it comes to our transgender children and that is our grief.

Grief is a very natural and necessary step in the course of processing a loss. And this includes the transition of  our children. 

BUT what is key here is understanding WHAT we are grieving. 

We are grieving the loss of OUR dreams, not our child.

When I realized I was pregnant with my first born, the rose colored glasses were planted immediately and firmly in front of my eyes. I think I literally walked around in lala land from day one. 

My head was in the clouds dreaming of life with this beautiful child growing within me. Once my child was born those dreams continued becoming even more vivid…all the firsts through the early years, and then first date, prom, college, the wedding, my first grandchild. All of the major events of my child’s life played out in my heart and mind. But they were MY visions, my dreams.

And they were not to be. At least not how I envisioned them.

My beautiful first born was suddenly not who I thought they were, and MY dreams came crashing down. 

From the moment I heard my child say the words, I supported them 100%, I loved them more fiercely then ever. But my heart hurt at the same time.

Here was my beautiful child blossoming before my eyes, and my heart was crying out and loving and bursting with pride all at the same time. 

I knew intuitively NOT to share these feelings with them. 

And this is so important…our grief is very natural but we cannot share it with them. I would hurt myself before I would ever knowingly inflict pain on my child. 

This grief I was feeling was for the loss of MY dreams NOT the loss of my child, who was more alive than ever. I realized I had to let all those beautiful visions go and replace them with new ones…

Instead of dreaming of shopping for a wedding dress, I learned to dream of dancing with my son at his wedding. 

Seven years later, my heart is filled to over flowing with love for my child. I love who they have become, I am so proud of their strength and courage and integrity.

And yes every now and then I experience a fleeting moment, perhaps not so much of sadness but of wonder, what would the child I gave birth to be like today? And yet one look at the child I have tells me everything I need to know. 

My dreams have had to change but my child is exactly who he was meant to be. 

Know that your grief is natural.

Feel it, knowing the loss you grieve is for your dreams, not your child. 

Never share it with your child. This is not for them. It’s for your co-parent or a friend or your journal, or the breeze whispering through the trees. 

And know you may have moments of grief or sadness every now and then, it’s natural. Feel it and let it go. 

You’ve got this mama!

Peace & Love
Wandering Gypsy